Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Damn you, online shopping

I’m unfashionably late to this party

(Published on October 28, 2017 in Business Standard)

My generation regularly left home to go to shops to buy things, even after the advent of the internet and smartphones—which, for a long time, we did not even have. We lived for decades in these horrific conditions, like primitive amoebae scrabbling about in the mud. But let us not dwell on sad things.

The good thing is that, as the generation that went from booking long-distance calls two days in advance, to booking space travel online, we are fairly adaptable. We move with the times. In that spirit, I would like to announce that I may never visit a shop again, because of a thing I’ve discovered called ‘online shopping’.

If you’re going to tell me what a lame fossil I am, save it. Some people learn embarrassingly late in life that sexism is pervasive; others are late bloomers when it comes to giving all our money to Amazon and feeling grateful for it.

There have been many hurdles to my shopping online. One, I—still—need to put my foot in a shoe before buying it, and was applying this principle, donkey-like, to all products. Two, I have a pre-#DigitalIndia, post-#Aadhaar suspicion of connecting merchants with my bank account unless I’m physically present. I’m sure the actual process is very sophisticated, but in my head, when I click on ‘Place your order’, I see a giant pixelated blue hand reaching into my account and taking all my cash, and then running away with it to Fiji where it dips its giant pixelated blue toes in the surf, instead of sending me my things. 

Three, I hadn’t realised that you could buy anything on the internet, from a rubber band to a broccoli, to a bed, to a flying car. Four, I felt guilty about ordering, say, a packet of paper clips, and making other people use huge amounts of wrapping, fuel, and personal energy to bring it to your doorstep, when I can just as well walk down to the corner store and buy a packet of paper clips in four minutes without a bag.

Well, I’m over all of that. First, I live up three flights of stairs, and it’s much easier if someone else goes up and down carrying stuff. Second, I can buy anything at all from the fingertip superstore! Given the staircase situation, I have my eye on the flying car. Third, I can return anything I don’t like.

This last perk sounded dodgy to me at first, but I now know its evil plan. I scoured the internet for a compact milk jug that pours well, and ended up buying some unsatisfactory ceramic item. It arrived. After wading through kilos of packaging, I unveiled what looked like a big drunk bird—a dull yellow thing with a beaky schnoz that dripped. I immediately put the returns process in motion; but it turned out to be incredibly slow. In the many days since, I have fallen hopelessly in love with this milk jug, and cannot bear to be parted from it. It’s my fat yellow drunk and dribbling bird, yes it is, and we are very happy. I have torn up the returns labels and placed a broom near the front door, in case a returns person rings the doorbell and I have to brain him.

So here I am, bleeding profusely from the bank account, and it’s the best. Actually, you know what’s the best? A garlic peeler. You won’t know you needed one until you catch yourself buying it—and that is the limitless fuel of online retail.


See, moving with the times. Moving like Elvis.

27 comments:

Unknown said...

Find specifications, reviews, and where to buy Lenovo ThinkPad L470 2.60GHz i5-7300U 14" 1920 x 1080pixels Black Notebook.
For best: ThinkPad E580 | ThinkPad L470 | 14" Business Laptop | Lenovo UK

Product Expert said...

The Product Expert page itself is intuitive and smooth to use on each desktop and cell devices, and navigating the site is as clean as pie. We’re usually searching out approaches to improve your revel in so that you can bring you the smoothest and most exciting reading enjoy we can. You could test any one of our classes if you are certainly browsing around for interesting content material, or you could use bar to locate specific products.

NATASHA said...

Connect with The Most Trusted BULKSMS Provider in India. Attractive Price with Guarantee 100% Delivery. Call: 9907922122

Bulk SMS service simply means sending out a large number of SMS for delivery to targeted mobile numbers.


lostsky said...

Online Shopping for Man & Women Fashion at Best Prices in BD - online shopping bd ,Online shop ,bd online shopping ,online shopping bd,clothing shopping

brocadeshopping said...

Hi , thanks for sharing your information.The insights are really helpful and informative. If anyone want to buy PARTY WEAR and SALWARS, this will be the rightplace for you.
Party Wear Online Shopping
Salwar Online Shopping

ebay said...

The blog is absolutely fantastic. Lots of great information and inspiration, both of which we all need. Thanks.
Repuestos moviles

Kerrthika K said...

It was good explanation and it looks more impressive!thank you for sharing precious information with us..
Data Analytics Courses in Chennai
Xamarin Training in Chennai
Node JS Training in Chennai
Big Data Analytics in Chennai
Data Analytics Certification Courses in Chennai

BULK SMS PLANS said...

Very Nice article ! great job. Thanks for sharing.
Promote your business brands with bulk SMS marketing, contact us at +917404900081
Bulk SMS Service provider in UAE
Bulk SMS Service provider in U.S.
Bulk SMS Service provider in U.K.
Bulk sms Service provider in India

Erhiem said...

Nice Information! I personally really appreciate your article. This is a great website. I will make sure that I stop back again!
Buy Kids Clothes Online

Preeti Singh Sikka said...

Very Nice article ! great job. Thanks for sharing.

Send SMS with India's most trusted Bulk SMS Service Provider in India.
Attractive Price with Guarantee 100% Delivery. Call: +(91) 830 578 1001

Al Price said...

Alprice compare prices from all online shopping UAE that has made it possible for consumers even in the remote areas of UAE to avail products from the best brands at low prices online. It's no longer just the privilege of a metro city or an urban area to shop online for their favorite products. We list products of online vendors that sell them and makes it easier for user to compare their features and price. You can click on "go to shop" to visit the product page from that online shop and buy the product directly.

sasi said...

The blog you shared is very good. I expect more information from you like this blog. Thankyou.
Artificial Intelligence Course in Chennai
ai courses in chennai
artificial intelligence training in chennai
ai classes in chennai
best artificial intelligence training in chennai
Hadoop Training in Bangalore
salesforce training in bangalore
Python Training in Bangalore


Tinkleo said...

The article was published in 2017, but now it's 2020, and the experience of online shopping is very good. However, if you take transnational shopping, it may take several days to receive the goods due to logistics reasons. As for the problem that the author mentioned is not easy to compare the size; there's a better solution. Businesses will provide multiple formats for buyers to choose from.

balu said...

try this
B Best Hair Oil
kunkumadi face Oil

Wheat Grass Powder
Balu Herbals

nisha said...

The Blog is really very impressive. every content of this blog is easily satisfy the queries for the beginners.

Data Science Training Course In Chennai | Data Science Training Course In Anna Nagar | Data Science Training Course In OMR | Data Science Training Course In Porur | Data Science Training Course In Tambaram | Data Science Training Course In Velachery

sowmi said...

I feel satisfied to read your blog, you have been delivering useful and unique information to our Vision keep blogging.
astrologers in india
astrology online
best astrologer in andhra pradesh
best astrology online
astrology
famous astrologer in andhra pradesh
best astrologer near me
top 10 astrologers in andhra pradesh

svrtechnologies said...


Firstly talking about the Blog it is providing the great information providing by you . Thanks for that .Hope More articles from you . Next i want to share some information about Salesforce training in Banglore .

Marie Christine said...

BurnPedia [com] is one of the best sites to compare prices and features of various products. I used this website to compare the cost of the digital camera, being a vlog creator I needed a camera that is of good quality. The site helped in comparing the prices of the camera I wanted to buy.

jhansi said...

Thank you for sharing the article. The data that you provided in the blog is informative and effective.
tally training in chennai

hadoop training in chennai

sap training in chennai

oracle training in chennai

angular js training in chennai

Unknown said...

men's clothing Dubai

women online shopping Dubai

Kids Shoes Dubai

Online Shopping for Women, Men, Kids Fashion & Unisex Dubai

Online Shopping for Men Dubai

Monika said...

There are many ups and downs in life, but those who struggle never lose, you have written such a beautiful post that I have been encouraged to struggle more by seeing this post, I also want to write good posts like you, the design of this post. It is very beautiful and the content that you have written in this post is even more beautiful.
Escorts Servcie in Phase 3
Golf Course Road Escorts
gurugram call girls
call girls in Neemrana
Female Escorts Gurugram
Gurugram escort service

pawan said...

If you are looking for a Bulk SMS Service Provider, Interact Solutions is your ideal destination. We are one of the top Bulk SMS Agency.

swamy said...

Great post!!.

best online shopping in uae

uae online shopping

Best Online Business India said...

The following are the most common types of Online Business in India

Escort Service In Delhi said...

Escort girls in Delhi make independent Brahma; Delhi call girls are always ready to serve you for interested people. Call girls in Delhi have been placed in many categories. Surely we are available according to you, you can come on our website and contact us. Female Escort In Delhi

Escorts Service In Gurgaon said...

Welcome to Gurgaon Escort Service. We provide one to one sexiest girls and provide cheap service rates. You can visit our website to take advantage of the service. Cheap Escort Service In Gurgaon

swamy said...

Great post!!.

Online Shopping in UAE

Shopping online