Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Damn you, online shopping

I’m unfashionably late to this party

(Published on October 28, 2017 in Business Standard)

My generation regularly left home to go to shops to buy things, even after the advent of the internet and smartphones—which, for a long time, we did not even have. We lived for decades in these horrific conditions, like primitive amoebae scrabbling about in the mud. But let us not dwell on sad things.

The good thing is that, as the generation that went from booking long-distance calls two days in advance, to booking space travel online, we are fairly adaptable. We move with the times. In that spirit, I would like to announce that I may never visit a shop again, because of a thing I’ve discovered called ‘online shopping’.

If you’re going to tell me what a lame fossil I am, save it. Some people learn embarrassingly late in life that sexism is pervasive; others are late bloomers when it comes to giving all our money to Amazon and feeling grateful for it.

There have been many hurdles to my shopping online. One, I—still—need to put my foot in a shoe before buying it, and was applying this principle, donkey-like, to all products. Two, I have a pre-#DigitalIndia, post-#Aadhaar suspicion of connecting merchants with my bank account unless I’m physically present. I’m sure the actual process is very sophisticated, but in my head, when I click on ‘Place your order’, I see a giant pixelated blue hand reaching into my account and taking all my cash, and then running away with it to Fiji where it dips its giant pixelated blue toes in the surf, instead of sending me my things. 

Three, I hadn’t realised that you could buy anything on the internet, from a rubber band to a broccoli, to a bed, to a flying car. Four, I felt guilty about ordering, say, a packet of paper clips, and making other people use huge amounts of wrapping, fuel, and personal energy to bring it to your doorstep, when I can just as well walk down to the corner store and buy a packet of paper clips in four minutes without a bag.

Well, I’m over all of that. First, I live up three flights of stairs, and it’s much easier if someone else goes up and down carrying stuff. Second, I can buy anything at all from the fingertip superstore! Given the staircase situation, I have my eye on the flying car. Third, I can return anything I don’t like.

This last perk sounded dodgy to me at first, but I now know its evil plan. I scoured the internet for a compact milk jug that pours well, and ended up buying some unsatisfactory ceramic item. It arrived. After wading through kilos of packaging, I unveiled what looked like a big drunk bird—a dull yellow thing with a beaky schnoz that dripped. I immediately put the returns process in motion; but it turned out to be incredibly slow. In the many days since, I have fallen hopelessly in love with this milk jug, and cannot bear to be parted from it. It’s my fat yellow drunk and dribbling bird, yes it is, and we are very happy. I have torn up the returns labels and placed a broom near the front door, in case a returns person rings the doorbell and I have to brain him.

So here I am, bleeding profusely from the bank account, and it’s the best. Actually, you know what’s the best? A garlic peeler. You won’t know you needed one until you catch yourself buying it—and that is the limitless fuel of online retail.


See, moving with the times. Moving like Elvis.

18 comments:

Product Expert said...

The Product Expert page itself is intuitive and smooth to use on each desktop and cell devices, and navigating the site is as clean as pie. We’re usually searching out approaches to improve your revel in so that you can bring you the smoothest and most exciting reading enjoy we can. You could test any one of our classes if you are certainly browsing around for interesting content material, or you could use bar to locate specific products.

ebay said...

The blog is absolutely fantastic. Lots of great information and inspiration, both of which we all need. Thanks.
Repuestos moviles

Erhiem said...

Nice Information! I personally really appreciate your article. This is a great website. I will make sure that I stop back again!
Buy Kids Clothes Online

Al Price said...

Alprice compare prices from all online shopping UAE that has made it possible for consumers even in the remote areas of UAE to avail products from the best brands at low prices online. It's no longer just the privilege of a metro city or an urban area to shop online for their favorite products. We list products of online vendors that sell them and makes it easier for user to compare their features and price. You can click on "go to shop" to visit the product page from that online shop and buy the product directly.

Tinkleo said...

The article was published in 2017, but now it's 2020, and the experience of online shopping is very good. However, if you take transnational shopping, it may take several days to receive the goods due to logistics reasons. As for the problem that the author mentioned is not easy to compare the size; there's a better solution. Businesses will provide multiple formats for buyers to choose from.

nisha said...

The Blog is really very impressive. every content of this blog is easily satisfy the queries for the beginners.

Data Science Training Course In Chennai | Data Science Training Course In Anna Nagar | Data Science Training Course In OMR | Data Science Training Course In Porur | Data Science Training Course In Tambaram | Data Science Training Course In Velachery

Marie Christine said...

BurnPedia [com] is one of the best sites to compare prices and features of various products. I used this website to compare the cost of the digital camera, being a vlog creator I needed a camera that is of good quality. The site helped in comparing the prices of the camera I wanted to buy.

pawan said...

If you are looking for a Bulk SMS Service Provider, Interact Solutions is your ideal destination. We are one of the top Bulk SMS Agency.

swamy said...

Great post!!.

best online shopping in uae

uae online shopping

Best Online Business India said...

The following are the most common types of Online Business in India

Fashion stores in Dubai said...

Indian Ethnic Wear Online UAE - Buy Online Luxury clothing and Premium fashion accessories from Vavci - Best online Shopping store in Dubai, UAE. ✓‎Up to 40% Off ✓COD ✓30 Day Hassle Free Return.

Best Online Business India said...

I just wanted to say that I love every time visiting your wonderful post! Very powerful and have true and fresh information. Thanks for the post and effort! Please keep sharing more such a blog.

For Visit:


Visit Website: Whatsapp Marketing

deepwebguns said...

amazon provides affiliation to earn online visit my site Easy Spy Gadgets for more detail

apparelnbags said...

Custom cardigans are a great complement to any outfit and are available at ApparelnBags.com. ApparelnBags.com offers high-quality personalised cardigans in a variety of styles, patterns, and colors at affordable costs. Customized cardigans, which are available from leading brands like as District, Port Authority, Van Heusen, and others, reflect your company's standards and characteristics while keeping your employees and crew comfortable on harsh winter days. Custom Cardigans will keep your employees comfortable and add flair to their outfits, regardless of whether your business or corporation is located in chilly locations or has a drafty office.

Unknown said...

Thanks for the blog, Keep posting.
Best Boutique Store in Hyderabad

Vertu Mobile said...

Buy Vertu Signature White Ceramic Rose Gold Diamond mobile phone at best price in india 2020. Make payment online & get amazing discount on vertu signature diamond with COD. Buy now on VertuMobile.in

Peter Johnson said...

The docs helped me a lot in enhancing my Knowledge..,Thank You .I want to share about Signova

kmk said...

This blog is very useful and helpful for us. Thanks for sharing this blog.
sell gold for cash in hyderabad